Mary Sue and the Goblet of Fanfic
by Ebolafan
Summary: What do the characters really think of the fanfic writers?


"What's wrong, Severus?" Remus Lupin asked with concern.

His friend, and sometimes foe, was sitting in the darkened Potions classroom. If he didn't know better, he'd say that Snape was actually moping.

"Oh, nothing really, Lupin."

Remus could hear the sadness in his voice.

"Don't do that!"

Remus froze mid-gesture at his friend's sharp rebuke, wand pointed toward the wall torches. "What? It's dark in here."

"I know. EM Snape is writing me that way - I kinda like it," Snape admitted in a wistful tone.

"Oh, okay - I get it now. It's the end of the month and you're obsessing about the fic online again."

"No, not at all. No, no, no... well, er, yes. Sorry to be so indecisive, it's just that we have a situation that could split the wizarding world right down the middle, and perhaps, even plunge us into a thousand years of darkness!" Snape leapt to his feet, hands clutching at the length of greasy black hair hanging limply down into his face.

'Oh, God, he's been reading 'FF Net' again.' Remus shook his head at the oddly becoming white linen shirt and shapely black trousers fitting snugly from narrowly tapered waist to knee.

"What's the problem?" Remus demanded, stepping close enough to the Potions master to catch the elusive scent of sandalwood and herb scents he had come to associate with Severus intimately...

He reached out to run his hand through Severus' already tousled hair, with barely concealed passion turning his hazel eyes a smoldering hot chocolate... "Ack! Mimiheart and Humantales have been posting in the Slash category again!" Remus quickly snatched back his hand, wet with Snape's tears, and flicked his wand at the wall while incanting, _'Lumos'_.

"Sorry, Lupin," Snape muttered. "That Snarkyroxy fic makes me so emotional. I never even considered that Miss Granger would make such a good companion for my lonely existence before..."

"What!?!?! Who posted a fic about you and a student?" Remus was enraged.

"Hmm, from the size of the Fire and Ice category on OWL, I'd rephrase that as 'who hasn't?'"

"And we men should go hang out on the star-struck teen HP lists! All those nubile young girls writing thinly veiled "Mary Sue" fics about sleeping with us and bearing our children." Sirius lounged in the doorway - practically salivating. "Nice pants, Snape!"

"Do you mind, Black?" Severus said crossly.

"Ohhhh. Who died and left 'The Big Black Bat of the Dungeon' in charge?"

"You did, for one. Someone had to clean up the mess you made after book five."

"Well, in fanon, I'm still very much alive. And speaking of which, gotta go – LilPadfoot16 needs me to help her write a romantic scene. She's very literate, gives good Google searches," with a meaningful look at Remus.

"I can't help it if many of the fans writing Lupin fic have me going out on the full moon and forgetting that I am a werewolf!" Remus exclaimed, after the retreating figure of Sirius Black.

At Snape's shocked expression, Remus shrugged. "Yeah, there's a definite departure from canon lately."

"Why does that not surprise me?" bemoaned Snape. "People have me bursting into tears, pledging eternal love to students, fellow teachers, and the Giant Squid."

"No way!" Remus exclaimed.

"Yeah, and lottsa out of character dialogue and stuff, 2. U know what I mean, boyfriend?"

"Uh, actually? No. I have no idea what you just said, Severus."

"Uh, oh... I feel so evil, yet so in need of redemption and the right woman to bring me to the Light, yet at great personal cost and pain from my tortured past. Someone must be uploading more fic. See you later - watch your back!" Snape turned into a pale column of smoke and vanished.

"Alone at last." Sirius popped back into the room. "hobbittabby borrowed my handcuffs, can we use yours?"

Remus whirled toward the desk. "Damn it! Snape's computer's on, and I feel weird. Let's see who is on-line," he remarked to Sirius.

Remus typed:

user: Potion Mistress

password: Snapewearspinkknickers

at the prompt he typed:

/view OWL on-line status - story uploads in progress:

#Potion Mistress

#Snarkyroxy

#hobbittabby

#Juliet

#amr

#Mimiheart

#Indigofeathers

"This explains much," Sirius commented, reading the user list.

"That's it, we're going to die!" Remus screamed. "When you're going through a storm, hold your head up high..." he sang off-key in a wavering voice.

'Sometimes I wish Jocelyn were here, so I could kill him.' (stares at Remus). 'She's not afraid to kill off canon characters,' Sirius mused.

"Let's look at this logically, shall we?" Remus began, finally finished with his song. "Who is the biggest threat to our dignity (and sexual orientation) in the story upload screen at this time?"

"Mimiheart," Draco stated, rising from his hiding place underneath Snape's desk. "Do you realise how difficult it is to prance around in women's lingerie while keeping that peeping pervert Potter interested?" he demanded in an indignant tone.

"Would that be from 'When I'm Window Wanking', or 'When I'm Cleaning my own Wand'?"

(much snickering in the background)

"That's just not funny, Sirius."

"You know, I finally read Bambu's 'Guard... Check... Mate' series... All this time I thought it was chess instructions," Draco added.

"Oh, yeah, like 'Snape's Redemption' is a descriptive title. Why didn't Juliet call it "101 ways to rape-torture-beat-humiliate-gang bang a Potions master?" Snape complained bitterly, returning from his errand in a puff of smoke.

"Well I vote for amr," Sirius stated. "It's always the quiet ones to look out for."

Snape nodded in agreement. "Triplets???"

Remus regarded the last name on the list. "Indigofeathers... hmmm... I can't place her. Didn't she write the one with Snape and Hermione having sex in the shower?"

"No, that was Labrt2004."

"Okay - having sex on the Headmaster's desk?" Sirius asked.

"No. Finally You and I by Corazon," Draco grumbled, rubbing his shapely butt through the smooth fabric of his robes.

"Having first time sex?" Remus tried again.

"Snarkyroxy, Before the Dawn," Sirius and Snape echoed back.

"Snape having sex with his girlfriend's mother?"

"Miss - the curls one!" Sirius bellowed, "can't you keep all these straight?"

"Hey... I'm noticing a pattern here," Draco said. "Why does _he_ get to have all the sex?" (pointing at Snape).

"It's simple, Draco. You see it is a characteristic of wish fulfillment coupled with a bizzare form of transference, when balanced against socio-economic stress factors such as work environment, school, and modern demands upon women that..."

"Severus?"

"Yes, Draco?"

"Shut up."

"Got it!" Lupin yelled triumphantly.

"Indigofeathers is the one who is doing the story where Tonks and Snape are out trapped in the..."

He broke off noticing the hard stares. "What?" he demanded.

"That's a part that hasn't been posted or even seen by a beta reader! How the hell do you know about it? What are you doing, sleeping with...?" Snape's voice trailed off. "Oh, that's just great. You KNOW we're not supposed to boink the fic writers! Especially the Australians!"

"It... it just kinda happened. One minute I was crying on her shoulder over why no one is uploading fic to the Moonlight & Madness category, and the next thing I knew hobbittabby's cuffs were on my wrists and my ankles were tied to the bedpost with silk scarves. "It was a horrible, degrading, demeaning experience..." Remus stammered.

"And?" Snape demanded.

"We're doing it again after the OWL staff meeting tonight."

Snape rolled his eyes and Sirius snorted. Well at least it keeps her from posting...

THE END

A/N: Stories referenced are all found on the OWL site, which is listed on my profile page:

Snape's Redemption & Dance with the Devil by Juliet

When I'm Cleaning Windows by Mimiheart

Harry Potter and the Battle of Wills by Jocelyn

Ill met by Moonlight by Indigofeathers

Check... Guard... Mate by Bambu

Between the Darkness and the Light by Potion Mistress

Before the Dawn by Snarkyroxy

In Blood Only by EM Snape

My Love For Curls Always Gets Me in Trouble by Miss

The Lioness Prophesy by amr

Finally You and I by Corazon

Irridescent Snow by Labrt2004


End file.
